i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I intend to get homeless drunk
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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