chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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