btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
