I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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