she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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