It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
