Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
