you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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