First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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