Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
