my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
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your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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