You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
