...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
