look no pants
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
