You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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