so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
