I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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