My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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