So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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