I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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