I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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