It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
