I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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