Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
