Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
