I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
