I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
