Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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