I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
