I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
