you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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