He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
