omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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