Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
