UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
