Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
