what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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