I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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