Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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