sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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