i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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