well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Randomize
