If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
