you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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