I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
