oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
