I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
