Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
