Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
