I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
