it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
