You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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