My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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