its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
