His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
