His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
