two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
