i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.